Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
