i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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