8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The best revenge is premature balding
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
