Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
