Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
