My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
