oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
