i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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