I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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