P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
