Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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