I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
