she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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