It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
