he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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