My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
