I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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