the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
