This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
