You don't have asthma, your pregnant
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
