I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
