Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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