Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
