69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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