woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
