I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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