ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
