Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
