drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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