I'm pants shitting drunk right now
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
