Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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