i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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