I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
