Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
