You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
