My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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