A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
barbara walters just said penis...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
