Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
