her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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