my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
