im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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