nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
