I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
