I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
