who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
