New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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