Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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