Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
