Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
