if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
