Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
